Apologies 101

I have come to the conclusion that a lame apology is worse than not apologizing at all.  I'm not saying that you have to drop to your knees and beg for forgiveness every time you bump someone in the subway, but when you've done something wrong or hurt someone, even if you didn't mean to, a bad apology actually can make the situation worse by furthering the person's belief that you are not being considerate of their feelings or aware of what you're doing wrong. Like a lame handshake, it can take a neutral impression and make it terrible, but when you're apologizing, the stakes are probably higher. So before we get to a good apology, let's define a bad one.


A bad apology does any or all of the following:

• Puts the blame on the injured person. "I'm sorry you were offended by what I said" or "I'm sorry you didn't realize what I meant."  Do you see what that apology is actually saying? "I'm sorry you were too emotional or stupid to understand my intentions..."  It doesn't actually take responsibility for what I did wrong, and it continues to blame the person who may be injured. Imagine if it were something else instead of words and emotions we were talking about.  Would you ever say to someone "I'm sorry you were in the way of my moving car" or "I'm sorry you didn't see in time that I was about to stab you with that knife?" Of course not.  
• Negates itself. "I'm sorry, but..."  The second you say "but" in a sentence, you essentially negate everything you've just said. Many people use this segue as a chance to continue the argument while also getting to claim that they apologized, following that "but" with everything they've just been doing or saying, or with lame excuses. "I'm sorry, but I really didn't mean...."
• Demands a return. "I'm sorry for X, and you should be sorry for Y." Think of an apology as a gift. Sure, I may HOPE to get an apology in return, and I may need to hear one at some point later on, but this apology is about what I did to you, and if I am truly sincere, I am sorry and that's the end of this chapter. (This is also far more likely to get an apology in return, it may just take some time).
• Shifts the emotional damage back to the apologizer. "I'm so sorry I'm such a terrible, stupid person and a monster and I deserve to die for what I did to you and I never do anything right..." By forcing you to go into pity mode for me, I'm not actually taking the time to deal with your pain and suffering which I had caused. Now I'm requiring you to say "no, you're not those things" and I'm imposing my own feelings of regret onto you. Not cool. I'm also exaggerating to the point where I'm either making myself or your feelings seem ridiculous, so I'm not conveying to you that I understand just how much damage I actually did.

Ok, so now that we've identified some bad apologies, let's examine what a good apology is.  

A good apology includes ALL of the following pieces:

1. Acknowledgement of what I did and how it was wrong. "I'm sorry that I said {what I said}. It was a hurtful thing to say to you and I shouldn't have let myself get carried away in the moment"
2. Expression of your own regret. "I didn't mean it and I'm very sorry that I hurt your feelings by saying it. I never mean to hurt you, even when I'm angry."
3. Steps for resolution. "How can I make it better?" Or, if you know what you'd like to do, "I'm going to make sure this doesn't happen again by..."

All three pieces are absolutely required for a serious apology. You can mix up the order, you can buy flowers or donate to charity, but if you didn't include all three pieces, you're not done.  A good apology is appropriate and proportional to the damage you've done as well. If you made a little mistake (bump someone in the subway) "Oh, I'm sorry I bumped you, let me give you more room" is fine. If you forgot your child's birthday, I'm not saying you HAVE to buy a pony but something bigger is required.

Now on to my next lesson, how to avoid being a dumb-ass in the first place. I'm still working on that one so all advice is welcome!

At Long Last, My Gay Marriage Debate Post

I've written this post in my head probably fifty times.  Over the years, I've debated and commiserated with friends on the subject of gay marriage, and I've listened much, much more to other people discussing it. Here is my conclusion:

There is not a single logical reason I have yet heard to be against gay marriage in America.

I have found it impossible to apply a purely logical argument to this issue and come out against gay marriage. Here is what I've been hearing, and my thoughts:

"Marriage is a church institution, not a civic one"
That may be true...in some other country.  In America, we are discussing the LEGAL ability to marry which is, by definition, a civic issue.  For example, I am married legally and am recognized as married by both legal and religious entities.  I can check "married" on every form I have to fill out, including my taxes.  I have never, since being married, had the status of my marriage questioned by anyone. I did not get married in a church or by a religious official, so by this argument, I shouldn't be married at all.  What people who say this really mean is that they would like to use their religion as the basis for the rest of their views in this debate. Once you take that away from them by establishing that you are, in fact, discussing a legal status in a country which allows for a plurality of religions without being tied to one, they are unable to quote the bible at you or talk about God's great design, which really hurts many of their other arguments. Another often misleading argument along this vein is that if gay marriage is legalized, churches which oppose gay marriage will be "forced" to perform these marriages. This is also not true. Because of the separation of church and state, churches cannot be forced to perform religious rites for anyone that they don't want to.

"Gay marriage will deteriorate the sanctity of marriage in this country"
 Ignoring the word "sanctity," which is addressed above, this argument always makes me laugh because I have never seen the people who picket against gay marriage picketing against, say, Las Vegas wedding chapels. I have yet to hear, throughout the entire gay marriage debate, a single news story about "Defense of Marriage" folks introducing a bill to require a waiting period to get a marriage license, for example, or to modify divorce laws.  It seems that these folks think heterosexuals should be free to treat marriage as whatever they want, but gay people should respect its "sanctity." (I acknowledge that there are MANY people out there trying to support stronger marriage by offering counseling and pre-marriage training for couples, and I think you're doing a great job!)
For a full earfull of the state of heterosexual marriage in our country today, take a listen to Bruno Mars' song "Marry You" which includes such choice, respectful lines as "shots of Patron and [the wedding's] on, girl" and "if we wake up and you wanna break up that's cool."  To date, the passing of pro- or anti-gay marriage laws have yet to have a single effect on my heterosexual marriage. I feel neither more secure in my marriage nor less secure because my next door neighbors may or may not have the right to marry.  Respect for marriage is something you have to teach people at the individual level, you can't legislate respect.

"Marriage is about having children"
When I applied for my marriage license, I was not asked by the county courthouse if I planned to have children. I also did not have to subject myself to any fertility testing to make sure I could.  This argument actually makes me feel bad for all the people who, for whatever reason, are married and are physically unable, financially insecure, or do not have any desire to have children. Do the people who argue this point plan to force all of those groups to adopt? I haven't seen that legislation yet, so I'm guessing they don't really mean it.

"I'm not ok with homosexuals marrying, but I'm ok with Civil Unions."
Interesting attempt at a middle-ground.  Why are you ok with one but not the other? Is it for the reasons above? Do you not feel that civil unions are your own attempt at a "separate but equal" state, and did we not already establish in 1954 with Brown v Board of Education, that "separate but equal" is not, in fact, equal? Again, I'll use my own marriage as an example. I am married, but I did not go to a church and the ceremony was performed by a justice of the peace. How is this different than your idea of a civil union? Are you going to make me say that I was "civil unioned" just because you don't like that I got married by a JP?  When you meet a couple and someone says "let me introduce my wife" do you question them on their marriage ceremony before you acknowledge that they are, in fact, married and not in a civil union? This seems terribly pedantic and I can't imagine many people in society being willing to submit to such questioning in casual conversation.


But, my dear, pro-gay marriage friends, I have a bone to pick with you, too. You are also guilty of dragging the debate into realms which are not germane to the discussion of gay marriage. Here's my least favorite of all:


"It's about love. And allowing people to love whomever they want"
No, it's not. You are perfectly capable of being in love with whomever you want, hell, you can even be in love with whatever you want. Love is a feeling, you see, and not a legally recognized state, and certainly is not subject to any jurisdiction. We are discussing the legal state of marriage and the accompanying legal privileges that flow from it.  The fact is, people marry for a lot of reasons. Sure, love is one of them, and it has certainly been put on a pedestal in our modern American society, but people also marry for money, security, because their parents told them to, to get a green card, to raise their social profile, to throw a big party, to gain status, to stop being lonely, to get lots of presents, etc. etc. You don't have to prove that you're in love to get married, and I don't know how you would go about that if you did. 

To say that marriage is about love is also to say that as soon as you don't feel like you're in love anymore, you shouldn't still be married. I blame this logic for breaking up as many marriages as infidelity. I don't know any couples that have passed the 10 year mark that would say they always felt in love. Other emotions kick in when love occasionally takes a break. They feel loyalty, or respect, or something else entirely, and they work through it until they feel the love again (or don't).


I'm happy to continue to discuss this issue with anyone who wishes to leave calm and rational comments. I'm particularly interested to hear other arguments against gay marriage that I might have missed, or other things that drive you crazy about either side's arguments.  What do you think?

It Pays to Ask

I'm in the midst of an experiment which came about when I simultaneously set out to improve my finances and decorate my apartment--two of the most seemingly-contrary goals known to the modern world.  The experiment is simple: when I go to buy something, I ask if I can have a discount.   Like so many simple ideas, this is so basic I feel absolutely revolutionary by trying it and like a bona fide genius when it succeeds.

So far, every time I've asked, I've gotten some kind of discount or add-on (like free shipping or a bonus item). EVERY. TIME.  My list of discounted items so far includes a photo scanner, a Christmas tree (unfair, I know. They expect you to haggle and if you don't--well, you should), a headboard for my bed, Christmas ornaments, a chandelier, and other gifts I'll be giving on Christmas morning. It has worked at national chains, local merchants, and street corner sales.  I don't expect this 100% level of success to continue after the holidays, but I have learned that more often than I would have imagined, the only thing that stands between me paying full price and getting a discount is my willingness to ask. I'm happy to share my tactics so far so you can try an experiment of your own.

Basic Rules of the Asking Experiment:

• You have to ask - Don't expect people to give you a discount when you come perfectly willing to pay full price, even if they have a stand-by discount they're prepared to offer. Whatever the army may be doing these days, "don't ask, don't tell" is definitely still going strong when it comes to retail discounts.
• You have to ask nicely - People will help you if you give them a reason to help you.  Making their life easier is a great reason for them to help you.  I'm always extremely polite when I ask for a discount, I use the person's name if I can, and I start with a willingness to take "no" for an answer.
• Take no for an answer the second time - Lots of times people who are actually empowered to offer you a discount will say no at first.  Politely and kindly ask again.  Examples I've said recently include "sure, I totally understand that you can't match Amazon's price, but even a 10% discount would make it worthwhile for me to walk out of the store with it today" or "oh, that's a shame.  Are you sure? I really want it but it's such a stretch on what I budgeted." Both times the initial "no" turned into a "yes."  If it hadn't, I wouldn't have pushed again.

More Advanced Asking/Haggling Tactics:

• Have a bad cop...somewhere else - I learned this one from my dad and it works like a charm.  He was buying a couch and told the salesperson that, although his wife and decorator liked this other couch (clipping of less-expensive couch at Macy's in-hand), he REALLY liked this couch he was sitting on, but he couldn't come home paying more for a couch his wife and decorator didn't approve of.  Now, anyone who's met my mom knows that she is only capable of being an intimidating bad cop when she is not present, and that's just the point.
• Do your research - Sometimes you can have good reason to ask for a discount, like if you've seen something similar somewhere else at a different price or if you know the quality of what you're buying doesn't measure up to its pricetag.  If you're shopping retail and not using the Amazon app to scan barcodes and find prices, you're missing out.
• Walk away - Walk away from the item you think you want.  Whether it shows the person that you're serious about wanting/needing that discount or it just gives you time over night to think "do I really want this thing?" it's a strong move for negotiating and ultimately a good way to distance yourself from things you many not really want to buy.  You should have seen the price my mother-in-law got for her car after she took it home for a weekend-long test drive and returned it on Monday without buying it. The salesperson couldn't believe it.

I'm still in the beginning of this experiment so let me know if you have any other tips & tricks.

My Latest Obsession

I'm going to have to ease back in to keeping this blog, so I'm going to start by sharing my latest obsession. Some of my friends think when I quote TV shows or movies, it means I've watched them an awful lot. The truth is that I can get lines and phrases stuck in my head just like songs after only one or two hearings. They repeat, over and over, and I can hear the rise and fall of someone's voice like a melody. Ever since I saw these two lectures, by Randy Pausch, his wisdom and humor have been popping up in my head all the time. If you haven't watched them, take the time to do it. They're both worth every single minute.

The Last Lecture: Achieving your Dreams


Time Management


I'd love to know your favorite parts.

Time to Share

Those of you who have been spared Andrew's and my accounts of the ups and downs of our attempts to purchase an apartment should consider yourselves lucky. That said, you're still completely free to reap the rewards of our move. We've got a few books and dvds that we're giving away (among other things like furniture and odds & ends). Before you judge us for owning the titles below, I'd like to remind you that these are the things we're parting with, and we claim no responsibility for owning them in the first place.

If you're interested in any of the below, let me know:

Books for my singer friends (I'm guessing)

• Puccini Librettos in New English Translations by William Weaver
• Giuseppe Verdi by Francis Toye
• Molto Agitato by Johanna Fiedler (I highly recommend this account of the Met behind the scenes)
• Great Singers on Great Singing compiled by Jerome Hines (do I have a friend who doesn't already own this?)
• The Harper Collins Italian Concise Dictionary (I had two Italian Dictionaries-go figure)
• Le Mariage de Figaro et La Mere coupable by Beaumarchais
• Le Barbier de Seville by Beaumarchais
• Manon Lescaut by Abbe Prevost

Books for everyone

• Confederates in the Attic by Tony Horowitz (very funny account of the South--my first introduction freshman year of college)
• The Mother Tongue by Bill Bryson (very funny, though slightly outdated, foray into linguistics)
  
• The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
• Your Job Survival Guide by Shea Gunther (I actually don't recommend this unless you love kayaking references)
• Moby Dick by Herman Melville (see above, only switch kayaking to whales).
• Dune by Frank Herbert
• Time Enough for Love by Robert Heinlein
• The Boat of a Million Years by Poul Anderson (no idea, you'd have to ask my husband)
• The Definitive Book of Body Language by Allan and Barbara Pease (my husband swears he got this one from some coworker cleaning out her desk, neither of us has cracked it).
• Guns, Germs, and Steel by Jared Diamond
  
• Vanity Fair Portraits - a gorgeous coffee table book
• Many, many Terry Pratchett Discworld books. For specific titles, just ask.
  

DVDs

• The Importance of Being Earnest
• Clerks
• Le Divorce
• Shakespeare in Love
• Down with Love
• Young Frankenstein
• Chicago
• About a Boy
• Futurama - Volume 1
• Gilmore Girls - sixth season (why 6th? I have NO idea)
  

Fire Hose Friday

I thought my coworker was just being funny when I overheard him at lunch saying we should do "fire hose friday" to be so annoying, we would turn off everyone from following us on Twitter, so imagine my surprise Friday morning when I read:

OK guys, I'm declaring today #firehosefriday. Participants must tweet no less frequently than every 15 minutes. End of day goal: 0 followers

My first reaction: "hell no." Why? because I was afraid of losing all my followers (what few I had) and afraid that I wasn't witty enough to keep up a constant stream of interesting tweets all day. I thought I would come across as self-absorbed and annoying, because what kind of person could tweet so much and not be those things? So, because I realized I was really resisting this idea, I dove right in. I hoped to feel liberated by watching my twitter and facebook followers drop as the day progressed; I expected to be totally distracted from work and to eventually run out of anything worth mentioning. I braced myself for criticism.

What happened instead amazed me. I found I was less distracted through the day because I was focusing on the here-and-now. I wasn't dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, I was finding interesting and noteworthy things in my daily life, recognizing milestones or pleasant encounters. In fact, I actually had more I wanted to mention than I ever ended up tweeting. This awareness also made me do more things for others because I was enjoying myself so much--so much for being self-centered! Rather than detracting from work, I was so conscious of how often I was reporting my actions (and that my coworkers were all following me on twitter) that I worked in efficient, focused spurts throughout the day. I got loads done even though I was also taking extra time to enjoy a sunny, beautiful Friday.

I was also pretty surprised by the reactions I got from everyone else. Rather than being the huge annoyance I thought it was going to be, I got tons of messages saying how entertained people were, how I was getting them through their days. People would respond to things I said and suddenly I felt more engaged with my group of friends on twitter than I ever had. The abyss I thought I was sending my thoughts into turned out to be a group of caring, interested individuals who wrote right back. What's more, I didn't lose followers. (Well, ok, I lost one, but I don't know which one it was so I don't think it was anyone I cared about.) In fact, I actually gained 8 new followers through the course of the day, the most I'd ever gained in one day since joining twitter.

I consider the Fire Hose Friday experiment to be a resounding success and I recommend it highly to everyone. Though I don't think I would want to do it every Friday, I think I will try to do it again. After all, what have I got to lose?

(to see all the madness, follow me on twitter at chrissysings)

What's that? You DID notice? Well damn...

I remember, a long time ago, the day that my husband realized that even though he didn't really notice other people's shoes, they were noticing his. It's kind of a strange revelation, really, that something you couldn't care less about is actually something you are being judged by. So why am I writing in my blog at 1am on a Friday night?

Well, it turns out, people are watching. I'm at South by Southwest, a festival that is in many ways an excuse to drink and hang out between various talks and panel discussions. With topics ranging from the future of media to "how not to be a douchebag," the festival really runs the whole gamut. I've already been exposed to some really cool ideas and technologies and I'm learning a ton in a field that, frankly, I have tons to learn about. That said, I'm also learning that things that haven't mattered to me at all until now are suddenly things I'm being measured by. For example, mine is the lone, basic flip-top phone in a sea of smart phones--suddenly I'm a dork among dorks (and no, that doesn't make me cool at all). I am also not terribly witty on Twitter nor, I'm sorry to admit, in this blog. I'm also noticing, though, that when I admit that I don't know which open-source code they're talking about, or if I need a refresher on what LAMP stands for, people don't look at me like I have two heads, as would happen in the opera world if I had to ask someone what opera "Una furtiva lagrima" came from. I'm also noticing that everyone has been wonderfully open and welcoming. Can it be that despite all my terrible failings as a tech geek, I actually belong here?

I'll be trying to find out over the next few days. Stay tuned but please, avert your eyes from my cell phone.