Apologies 101

I have come to the conclusion that a lame apology is worse than not apologizing at all.  I'm not saying that you have to drop to your knees and beg for forgiveness every time you bump someone in the subway, but when you've done something wrong or hurt someone, even if you didn't mean to, a bad apology actually can make the situation worse by furthering the person's belief that you are not being considerate of their feelings or aware of what you're doing wrong. Like a lame handshake, it can take a neutral impression and make it terrible, but when you're apologizing, the stakes are probably higher. So before we get to a good apology, let's define a bad one.


A bad apology does any or all of the following:

• Puts the blame on the injured person. "I'm sorry you were offended by what I said" or "I'm sorry you didn't realize what I meant."  Do you see what that apology is actually saying? "I'm sorry you were too emotional or stupid to understand my intentions..."  It doesn't actually take responsibility for what I did wrong, and it continues to blame the person who may be injured. Imagine if it were something else instead of words and emotions we were talking about.  Would you ever say to someone "I'm sorry you were in the way of my moving car" or "I'm sorry you didn't see in time that I was about to stab you with that knife?" Of course not.  
• Negates itself. "I'm sorry, but..."  The second you say "but" in a sentence, you essentially negate everything you've just said. Many people use this segue as a chance to continue the argument while also getting to claim that they apologized, following that "but" with everything they've just been doing or saying, or with lame excuses. "I'm sorry, but I really didn't mean...."
• Demands a return. "I'm sorry for X, and you should be sorry for Y." Think of an apology as a gift. Sure, I may HOPE to get an apology in return, and I may need to hear one at some point later on, but this apology is about what I did to you, and if I am truly sincere, I am sorry and that's the end of this chapter. (This is also far more likely to get an apology in return, it may just take some time).
• Shifts the emotional damage back to the apologizer. "I'm so sorry I'm such a terrible, stupid person and a monster and I deserve to die for what I did to you and I never do anything right..." By forcing you to go into pity mode for me, I'm not actually taking the time to deal with your pain and suffering which I had caused. Now I'm requiring you to say "no, you're not those things" and I'm imposing my own feelings of regret onto you. Not cool. I'm also exaggerating to the point where I'm either making myself or your feelings seem ridiculous, so I'm not conveying to you that I understand just how much damage I actually did.

Ok, so now that we've identified some bad apologies, let's examine what a good apology is.  

A good apology includes ALL of the following pieces:

1. Acknowledgement of what I did and how it was wrong. "I'm sorry that I said {what I said}. It was a hurtful thing to say to you and I shouldn't have let myself get carried away in the moment"
2. Expression of your own regret. "I didn't mean it and I'm very sorry that I hurt your feelings by saying it. I never mean to hurt you, even when I'm angry."
3. Steps for resolution. "How can I make it better?" Or, if you know what you'd like to do, "I'm going to make sure this doesn't happen again by..."

All three pieces are absolutely required for a serious apology. You can mix up the order, you can buy flowers or donate to charity, but if you didn't include all three pieces, you're not done.  A good apology is appropriate and proportional to the damage you've done as well. If you made a little mistake (bump someone in the subway) "Oh, I'm sorry I bumped you, let me give you more room" is fine. If you forgot your child's birthday, I'm not saying you HAVE to buy a pony but something bigger is required.

Now on to my next lesson, how to avoid being a dumb-ass in the first place. I'm still working on that one so all advice is welcome!